Boundaries - we all have them but we can’t always articulate them to ourselves let alone to others.
Why is that?
It may seem simple but in actuality that’s a loaded and relatively complicated question to contend with .
That being said, I think one possible answer is that our boundaries lie at the intersection of our insecurities.
It’s hard enough to admit our own insecurities to ourselves let alone articulate boundaries around them.
But then, this begs yet another question- if all humans inevitably develop and grapple with insecurities, why is there such widespread stigma around being ‘insecure’?
I believe that stigma itself is steeped in insecurity.. Insecure people who loathe the fact that they’re insecure so they try to deflect from it by projecting a false air of confidence whilst trying to conceal the truth at all costs.
As you can imagine, this has huge ramifications for us as individuals but also in our romantic relationships.
Imagine yourself as a guy who’s been with women in the past who have consistently surrounded themselves around so-called male friends who they then ended up cheating with.
If your previous girlfriends have cheated on you with their male friends, moving forward you might understandably be uncomfortable with the idea of ‘male friends’.
This discomfort is predicated upon the insecurities from your past experience.
In this instance you would first and foremost need to be radically honest with yourself about the hurt you’ve suffered.
Once you’ve been honest with yourself you can then audit your previous experiences and possibly identify certain areas where you were naive and too trusting or simply not assertive enough with your previous partners.
But notice this can only come after you’ve owned up to your suffering- that’s the first step to identifying your own mistakes.
Once you’ve identified your mistakes you can then decide on how you will approach things differently moving forward - here come your new boundaries which will essentially denote what you will and won’t tolerate.
Once you’re clear on this within yourself, you then have tangible things you can articulate and communicate with any new potential partners.
But do you see how this all stems from you accepting your insecurity in the first place?
One thing I want to add in closing is that our insecurities are not politically correct so don’t ignore them just because you’re worried about “how it looks” or “looking needy” or “controlling” or whatever other permutations of this.
We all have insecurities but only those who are honest and courageous about them can fortify themselves by creating effective boundaries.
The last thing you want is to be too scared to do this for fear of losing a person.
If your boundaries are too much for a person to handle then frankly you’re not compatible and that’s good to know.
You boundaries will help you filter out the wrong people and save you from unnecessary pain and suffering down the line.
So, be boldly insecure and fortify yourself today.
Blessings and love.
H